Sunday, November 25, 2007

Actor Scott Baio Seizes Power in Bloodless Coup

Late yesterday afternoon, former television star Scott Baio, best known for his role as Chachi on the 1970s sitcom Happy Days, seized control of the United States government in a daring coup.

Baio and a few followers gained access to the White House after promising to sign autographs for President Bush. The group quickly seized power with the help of key Secret Service agents, who turned out to be obsessive Joanie Loves Chachi (a Happy Days spin-off) fans. Bush, Cheney, and others were quickly ushered outside to Pennsylvania Avenue as Baio's group set up shop in the Oval Office.

This morning, reporters asked Baio how he plans to organize his new government. In response to a question about Happy Days co-star Donnie Most, Baio exclaimed "The Malph! There's always room in my cabinet for a mind like that. Did you see him in Stewardess School? Comic genius. I just hope I can convince him to drop whatever important work he's doing to come on board." (Most played the clowning Ralph Malph on Happy Days. He was also featured in the critically panned, commercially unsuccessful 1986 film, Stewardess School. As of press time, it is believed that he most recently appeared in a regional production of Space Balls: The Musical).

Baio announced that the theme song from his 1980s sitcom Charles in Charge would be the new national anthem. "No one knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner anyways, " Baio explained.

Baio was also asked if Erin Moran, his co-star from Joanie Loves Chachi, would be his First Lady. "If she'll have me," Baio replied, a bit wistfully.

After taking questions from the press, Baio read a short statement he said was intended for Ron Howard,who played the freckle-faced Richie Cunningham on Happy Days and later went on to success as a Hollywood director: "Ronnie, I bet you thought you'd heard the last of me after that Cocoon audition. Steve Guttenberg over me? I would have been great with those old people. Well, I guess now you, and everybody else, will have to take me seriously. Call my assistant and we can talk about how I fit into Cocoon III--that is, if you want to keep making movies."

Howard, along with Henry Winkler and several other Happy Days regulars, has reportedly gone into hiding.

The sudden power grab is being called the Suede Revolution, a reference both to the bloodess 1989 Velvet Revolution in Czechoslovokia and the fact that the actors who played Leather Tuscadero and the Suedes on Happy Days helped Baio come to power. Anson Williams, who played Potsie on Happy Days, is widely believed to be the new regime's enforcer.

Early polling shows 11% approve of Baio's new role as absolute ruler, 14% disapprove, and 67% believe he can't be any worse than Bush.


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