Sunday, November 11, 2007

Democrats Hand Over Own Balls to President at White House Ceremony

In a Rose Garden ceremony this morning, a congressional delegation led by Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) and Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) formally handed over their balls to President George W. Bush.

"Recent actions make clear that we don’t need these any more," said Senator Schumer as he handed over a small plastic bag containing his genitalia. "We thought it only fitting that we hand over the essence of our once proud manhood to the man we now roll over for on command: President Bush."

Sen. Feinstein echoed Schumer’s words, just before bowing deferentially to the President and his retinue, which included Vice President Cheney: "As a woman coming of age in the 1950s and 60s, it took me a lot of hard work to develop and maintain these balls. When I graduated from Stanford, women weren’t taken seriously—everyone told me to get a job as a secretary or a teacher, and then get married and raise kids. But I didn’t back down to anyone, and I ended up becoming a United States Senator. That’s why I’m sure the President appreciates exactly what my hand-over signifies, and why this act is so meaningful."

President Bush graciously accepted the delegation, and thanked them for their gesture. "Today’s ceremony only formalizes what is already clear: most Democrats in Congress have about as much spunk as a neutered golden retriever. Sorry, that’s an insult to the retriever."

Leading experts agreed with the president. "After the Democrats took control of Congress last fall, most people assumed they would move swiftly to confront a deeply unpopular president, especially on the catastrophic war in Iraq," said P.E. Gordon, associate professor at the Kennedy School of Government. "Instead, they capitulated on issue after issue where the public had their back—Iraq, warrantless spying, habeas corpus. A lot of voters who expected change are asking themselves: do the Democrats have any balls at all? Well, I guess it’s clear now that, actually, they don’t"

After the ceremony, the President declared that "I will be issuing an executive order declaring that all Democratic members of Congress have to take out my trash and do my laundry, on a rotating basis, according to seniority." Sen. Feinstein eagerly stepped forward to schedule a time when she could be placed on laundry detail, as Sen. Schumer shifted his feet and chuckled uncomfortably. "I’m just kidding guys!" the president laughed as he tousled Feinstein’s hair and poked Schumer in the ribs. (A spokesman for the president later announced that Executive Order 11876 would in fact be issued shortly,assigning certain "high-level caretaker duties, vital to national security" to congressional Democrats).

Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) also attended today’s ceremony, although he had already turned in his balls in late 2001.

A version of this piece also appears at, Opinions You Should Have.


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