Monday, November 12, 2007

Bush Announces New Economic Plan

Following dire economic reports, including a record federal budget deficit, a plummeting dollar, predictions of a recession, and declining consumer confidence, President Bush unveiled a new economic plan today.

"People may think I'm too busy with the war in Iraq to think about domestic issues. Well, I've got a plan that will shut everybody up," a confident President Bush announced. The President explained that he will bring in a "new economic team, that will implement my specific economic goals, namely giving all of America’s assets to a few very wealthy people." A report released by the White House laid out the key points of the President’s plan: a 100% federal tax rate on all people earning less than $1,000,000 annually, immediate repeal of all taxes on those earning more than $1,000,000 annually, and a requirement that all those with no after-tax income become forced laborers on the estates of the wealthy. Only those able to demonstrate a net worth of $5,000,000 or more would be allowed to vote.

"As F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "the rich are different from you and me," the President joked, "damn right we are—we’ve got more money! And now we’ll have even more!"

The President’s supporters were quick to point out the benefits promised by the new economic plan. "We’re taking about an incredibly simplified tax code—no more need to spend hours preparing your tax returns," gushed an excited Senator Pete Domenici (R-NM), "if you’re earning less than a million a year, we take it all. More than a million a year, you keep it all. After all, it’s your money!"

"The unemployment rate will quickly fall to zero—no unemployment. Money will pour into the Treasury's coffers," promised Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY)."As soon as people do their taxes in April, everyone earning less than a million dollars a year will be placed in a kind of indentured servitude, kind of like slavery, except this time it won’t be restricted to African-Americans. Wonder if the liberals will still think we’re racist then?"

President Bush expressed regret that the late Senator Strom Thurmond is not available to lead the new forced labor effort. "The Senator had some experience with tenant farming and sharecropping, and reportedly some memories of the antebellum years. He would have been a natural for implementing the new universal labor program," President Bush explained.

A few Democrats said they would opposes any legislation aimed at implementing the President’s plan, but the White House expressed optimism about getting new laws passed quickly. "After all, most Democrats in Congress are doing pretty well themselves," quipped White House spokesperson Dana Perino.


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