President Bush Personally Presses Musharraf to Hold Elections, Gently Reminds Bin Laden to Turn Himself In

With Pakistan under martial law, President Bush boldly stepped into the breach yesterday and told its President, Pervez Musharraf, that he must hold elections and relinquish his post as military leader.

Leading experts marveled at the President's genius. "Other leaders might have cut off aid to the troubled nation, one of the world's 11 nuclear powers. Lesser men might have introduced United Nations resolutions calling for sanctions," said Stan Papi of the Council on Foreign Relations. "Americans can rest assured that their president understands that all it takes to resolve a crisis like this is a simple phone call."

President Musharraf reportedly responded by meekly apologizing and promisingto give up his dictatorial powers immediately. President Bush hung up the phone and next called Russian President Vladimir Putin, asking that that the Russian leader put an end to his autocratic rule. "I told Putin, look, it's time to cut it out," said President Bush at an afternoon conference. "Of course, he agreed, and asked exactly what I wanted him to do, and when. I understand he'll also be sending me a care package of caviar and those funny little Russian dolls."

Later yesterday, President Bush broadcast an appeal to Osama Bin Laden, politely asking the terrorist leader to turn himself in as quickly as possible. State Department officials anticipate that Bin Laden will make arrangements for his surrender in the very near future.