Saturday, November 03, 2007

Giuliani Named Free Safety in Charge of Antiterrorism

Earlier today, the Bush administration named Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani to the newly created position of Free Safety in Charge of Antiterrorism. The move is believed to give Giuliani a boost in his presidential bid.

"I'm excited, and ready to kick ass," a perspiring Giuliani said as he danced around in football pads and a helmet. "This new position gives me the authority to take out bad guys wherever and whenever I like, as I long as I observe NFL rules. That means no holding, offsides, or pass interference, but I can freely waterboard or detain suspects without access to an attorney." The latter tactics are not prohibited by the NFL, or current administration policy.

New Englad Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey both agreed that the Giuliani nomination was a smart move. "Here we have a guy who is chomping at the bit to bring in terrorists, and is also a football fan " Judge Mukasey said at an early morning press conference. "The administration has given him the leeway to do whatever is necessary to haul in suspects, while making clear that he has to abide by the well-known rules of conduct that apply during every NFL game. These rules will establish a basic standard for humane treatment that are a needed modernization of the outdated Geneva conventions. Plus, they're a lot easier for everyone to understand and defend at press conferences."

Brady agreed. "Getting terrorists is serious business, and avoiding penalties in the NFL is no easy feat. I expect big things from Giuliani. I hope he doesn't show up when we play the Jets--I'd hate to see Randy Moss or Coach Belichick detained indefinitely. Coach Belichick already had that bad press over the videotaping of other teams' signs. That may well be enough for Giuliani to bring him in and perhaps even initiate rendition proceedings that put Belichick at the mercy of some other team he has no connection with. Plus, I hear Giuliani is a big hitter on pass plays over the middle."

The campaigns of other presidential candidates had no immediate comment. It is believed to be likely that ABC will launch a new reality show associated with Giuliani's new post.


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